I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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