everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
