Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
