I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
