So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
