it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
