I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
tell your sister to shave her snatch
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
