Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
