Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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