Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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