yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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