On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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