There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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