i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
