puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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