The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
