Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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