hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
