fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
