i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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