when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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