I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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