Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
