Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
