Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
