his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i love accidental penises.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
