Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
