I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
