Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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