I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
