she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
