So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
high people should be assigned attendants
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
two words...techno handjob
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
