Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
