Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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