I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
