You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
