That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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