You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
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