I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
