so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
