just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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