I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
