ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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