I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The uberlube is also flammable
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
