I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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