I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
