How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
