Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
