I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
