did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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