the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
