I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
