Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
