i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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