so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
